Gnomes Are Evil
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Damian has a great distaste for a certain type of lawn ornament.
1. Chapter 1

Alfred hummed to himself as he set the present outside in the garden. It didn't really fit in with the manor's décor, but he wasn't about to object to something Dr. Leslie Tompkins had given him, especially since he was just telling her the other day about how his mother had once had a very similar item in her garden when he was a child. He set the little garden gnome into the ground to keep Titus from easily knocking it over when he was running around, and then made sure that the lawn ornament was secure before heading back inside. It was a lovely gesture, and Alfred appreciated the thought.

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Damian stood in the doorway watching Alfred's activities, trying not to let the distaste show on his face. He didn't understand the point in the small statue with the odd pointy hat, but its beady little eyes offended him. He turned quickly, walking back into the manor before Alfred could catch him scowling and scold him for it once again. Besides, he had better things to do with his time than worry about the oddities of such simple minded people.

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Tim had seen Damian's reaction to the banal lawn decoration while finishing his morning run around the grounds, and he couldn't quite figure out why Damian had such an adverse reaction to the thing. It was just a harmless little gnome, and Damian had sneered at it much the same way that he would at Tim. Tim tried to ignore the obvious revulsion Damian felt for the tiny garden decoration; however, he couldn't help but think it might be fun to mess with the kid.

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When Damian let Titus out a few hours later, the gnome was no longer where Alfred had placed it, and Damian was relieved to see that the abomination was nowhere in sight. He didn't know what had happened to the eerie object, but he was beyond pleased that he no longer had to look at the disturbing figurine. Damian walked around the garden while Titus ran around, completely content with how his day was turning out-that was, until Titus found the stupid gnome for him in the bushes on the other side of the lawn. Damian glared down at his dog as he pushed the creepy little ornament further into the bushes with a flick of his foot. He then walked away, hoping that would be the last time that he'd ever need to see the evil thing.

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Tim watched from a tree as Damian meandered around the grounds, silently smirking to himself. Maybe it was a little mean to place dog treats near the gnome's new place in the bushes, but he had to make sure that Titus found it while Damian wasn't paying attention. The look on the kid's face when Titus nosed at the little statue was completely worth the hour-long wait sitting on an uncomfortable branch. Tim waited for a few moments after Damian went inside, and then made his next move.

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Pennyworth was out in the garden pruning the roses and Damian, unfortunately, needed to speak with the butler. He needed to know what the man had done with the things he had left out and wanted to work on in his room, which was the only reason he entered the area so soon after letting Titus out. Damian stormed into the garden, ready to demand Pennyworth tell him where his belongings were, when, out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glance of an object that made him want to smash something. "I'm not surprised that you found it."

Alfred paused momentarily in his work. "Pardon me, Master Damian, but found what?"

Damian rolled his eyes as he pointed at the gnome. "That."

Alfred stared at him impassively for a moment. "I would certainly hope so. Dr. Thompkins did deliver the package directly into my very hands, young sir."

Damian snarled at that. "No, I mean, it was in the bushes."

Alfred looked mildly concerned at that. "I assure you, Master Damian, that particular lawn ornament hasn't moved from where I placed it earlier."

Damian glared at the older man, but didn't say anything before turning on his heel and heading back inside.

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The next day Tim was in his room, running figures for Wayne Enterprises when he suddenly heard what sounded like a strange combination of a scream and a growl from outside. He kept his grin internal upon seeing Damian staring straight at the gnome Tim had placed in the tree earlier in the day before coming inside. Minutes later, Tim went outside onto the balcony to retrieve the gnome before Alfred came out to tend to the lilacs. He had to lean out, and practically climb into the tree, but it was worth it. He quickly and quietly made his way down to the garden to replace the gnome where Alfred had deemed its home.

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Damian couldn't take anymore of this. He was going to put an end to it once and for all. The damn bringer of destruction would finally meet its end at Damian's own hand. "Young sir!" Damian could tell that Pennyworth was trying his best not to sound angry with him. After all, the man probably knew that it wouldn't do any good. "What do you think you're doing?"

Damian glared up at Pennyworth for interrupting. The gnome was mere yards away, and he had a batarang in hand. He glanced at Pennyworth and then back to the gnome before he tutted and sauntered away. After all, Pennyworth had to sleep sometime. He would get his revenge, and then those beady little eyes would stop following him all around the grounds.

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Alfred had noticed Damian's behavior becoming increasingly more peculiar, especially around a certain garden decoration, but he was shocked to see him standing over the lawn embellishment with a batarang. He wasn't exactly sure what the young master's particular aversion to the little gnome was, but he figured that the boy would eventually deal with it. After all, it was just a simple garden gnome. It certainly couldn't harm him. Alfred considered having a talk with Master Bruce later, not that he was sure how productive it would be. Still, it never hurt to try.

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Damian was becoming more and more agitated as the week wore on. Every time he entered the garden, he found that ridiculous gnome in a different place. He had even returned home from a late patrol to find the thing in the tree outside of his window, just staring at him. He had half a mind to just smash the thing and have it be over with, but Pennyworth seemed to be keeping an eye on him ever since the batarang incident.

He wasn't really sure what he was going to do, but Damian was becoming downright desperate. He had even considered enlisting Drake's help, which was utterly ridiculous. In addition to being completely useless, Drake hadn't even been around lately. At least, not since the gnome incident had started. It didn't matter, though, because Damian had to figure out something before he lost his mind. He was sure the malevolent statue was trying to find any weaknesses within the manor's defenses, but Damian felt confident that it wouldn't find its way inside. Not when he was constantly watching for it.

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Tim tried not to laugh every time he saw Damian storming in after taking Titus out. He figured that he should probably stop soon, before Alfred figured out what was going on-because there was no punishment worse than an Alfred punishment-but it was just too enjoyable. He had finally found a way to get back at Damian, and it was, surprisingly, so very simple that it made Tim downright giddy. He planned out just a few more places to move the gnome, and then he would be done with this little prank, and the family go could back to their 'regularly' scheduled lives.

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Jason found it odd that there was a lawn gnome in the showers when he came to the cave, but he figured that whatever made Dickie-bird feel like this was still the circus was usually just ignored by everyone else. It wasn't as though the bat family wasn't its own very special kind of circus anyway. The Replacement was sitting at the computer, typing away, as always, researching and synthesizing…who knew what. The two of them had come to an unspoken agreement of 'ignorance', and so Jason went on with his business while Tim went on with his. That was until Jason caught the smirk on Tim's face when Damian came back and squawked at finding the gnome inside the shower.

Jason stood by silently as Damian stomped out of the shower, grumbling to himself about evil lawn ornaments and how they all deserved to die in a fire. It only took one glance at Tim to know that this certainly had not been the first time that he had done this, and Jason couldn't help but think of the possibilities. This was going to be amazing, and the best part was no one could even blame him when this went south, because all evidence would be pointing at the Replacement.

Jason sauntered into the cave two days later, looking around casually to see if anyone was around. He knew that they wouldn't be...or at least shouldn't be, given it was mid afternoon, but he also knew better than to expect everything to go as planned. After one final scan of the surrounding area, Jason went over to the computers and carefully placed his 'gift' behind the monitors. He made sure that only its eyes and pointy hat showed, and then backed away from it to check the placement one last time. He was a little sad that there was no guarantee that he'd be here for the fall out, but the cumulative effect would be worth it, and he could always check the feed later.

The End


	2. Chapter 2

Damian was getting fed up. The first gnome-the one Grayson had dubbed David-had stopped finding its way all around the manor grounds, but Damian suspected that had something to do with the fact that Pennyworth had decided to attach the garden ornament to a cement stand. His reasoning was something about the thing being better displayed, with less of a chance of it getting misplaced. He had given Drake and Todd a very pointed look when he had said that, but Damian didn't know what that had to do with anything. He just hoped that that would be the end of it.

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Jason could tell that the kid was about to combust, which was why he had taken a couple weeks off from the gnome hiding; hoping to lull the little brat into a false sense of security. However, he hadn't spent that time doing nothing, and now he had more than just one gnome to hide. It was the perfect time to do so, as well. Damian was at school, Bruce was in Paris, Dick was at his day job, and Tim was at Wayne Enterprises-which meant that Jason pretty much had the manor to himself. He just had to dodge Alfred, but since he was leaving soon to attend to his weekly errands, Jason figured he could handle it. In fact, after two hours, only one of the gnomes had been hard to hide, and that was mostly because Jason had gotten creative. All in all, it was completely worth it.

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Damian stepped into the shower stall after a long and grueling patrol. He wanted nothing more than to scrub himself clean and then head to bed. It had been a long day, and he was thankful that he hadn't seen any stupid gnomes for a while. At least, that was until he had grabbed his bar of soap. With an indignant yelp, Damian dropped the soap onto the tiled floor.

"Little D? Are you okay?" Dick called from two stalls over.

"I'm fine, Grayson. I don't need you to hover like a maternal figure." Whatever Grayson had responded with, Damian ignored as he glared at the gnome inside of his soap. He didn't know who had done this or how, but he vowed to find the ones responsible and make them pay. There was no way the gnomes were this well organized. They had to have been getting help, and Damian would find the ones assisting them. It was only a matter of time.

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Jason was standing near the showers, snickering to himself, when Tim entered the cave. He was just about to ask why Jason seemed so pleased with himself when he saw Damian leave the shower area with a towel wrapped around his waist, dripping wet, scowling and grumbling to himself. Tim raised an eyebrow and stared at Jason for a moment. "What did you do?"

Jason shook his head, and his expression turned even more gleeful. "I'll explain later. Right now we need to get upstairs. I promise it's going to be great."

Tim didn't ask any more questions before following Jason up the stairs. He didn't know what was going on, but he figured that if it had something to do with the scowl on Damian's face, then whatever it was was definitely going to be worth it. They both huddled together outside of Damian's door, pressing their ears to the wood in an attempt to hear whatever was going on inside.

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Damian threw open the dresser drawer that held his pajamas, intending to get dressed and go straight to bed. He just wanted this day to be over with, but, when he reached in for his pajama pants, he felt something that was distinctly not fabric against the tips of his fingers. He glanced down to see a small gnome figurine. He instantly grabbed it and threw it across the room with a growl, and watched with a sick sort of satisfaction as it shattered against his wall. He swore that he was going to find the person who did this and gut them open. Damian griped to himself the entire time it took him to tug on his pajama bottoms, and then he moved over to his bed.

He pulled back the covers, and immediately began swearing loudly in Arabic. There, lying on his pillows and all over his sheets, were a dozen little gnomes, staring up at him with tiny little black eyes. He threw up his hands, and rushed out of the room, glaring at Drake and Todd on his way out. He was certain that they had just come to see what all of the commotion was, and Damian didn't care enough to give them an answer. He needed to find a weapon and fast. The damn things were multiplying.

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Tim had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud. He turned to Jason, who was grinning like a lunatic. "I can't believe you put them in his bed."

Jason only smirked more. "Oh, it's not over yet, baby bird."

Tim sobered long enough to raise a quizzical eyebrow at Jason. "What do you mean?"

Jason's only response was to gesture for Tim to follow him. The two of them made their way down the steps, and then came to a halt outside of the kitchen. They watched silently as Damian rifled around the kitchen clearly searching for something. Every few moments he would pause, and then his cursing would get even more fervent. Tim turned to Jason wide-eyed. "You hid them in Alfred's kitchen? Are you insane?"

Jason glared at him. "Hey, I was going to remove them before Alfred found them. I'm not stupid."

The two of them fell silent again and they returned to watching Damian as the boy not-so-quietly lost his mind. They both had to bite their tongues to keep from laughing the longer they observed what was going on in the kitchen. It was clear that Damian wasn't dealing well, and they couldn't help but enjoy every second of it. Tim had to wonder if, maybe in the future, the boy would think twice about attacking former Robins.

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They were everywhere…the gnomes where absolutely everywhere. He couldn't escape them. They even infiltrated Pennyworth's kitchen. Damian had thought that out of every place in the manor, the kitchen would be the safest. After all, Pennyworth didn't even let father into the room, certainly he would have kept the gnomes out as well-but it seemed as though Alfred had failed, and now Damian had nowhere else to run. No matter, the gnomes would all get it eventually. He just had to find a way.

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Jason couldn't help but enjoy watching the kid lose it, especially after that crowbar in his bed incident. The kid definitely had it coming…if not something far worse. He didn't understand why Damian had such a hate on for lawn gnomes, but he sure as hell wasn't going to pass up a chance to get even. Suddenly, it occurred to Jason that they could do so much more than just send the kid on a scavenger hunt. He nudged Tim while Damian continued hunting for whatever it was that he was searching for. Tim glanced back at him with a questioning expression. "I just thought of a way to make this ten times more fun."

Tim raised an eyebrow at him once again. "Why do I have a feeling you're about to do something extremely evil?"

Jason's smirked swiftly turned mischievous. He definitely intended to make the little brat squirm, and his new plan would undeniably help. "I say we sneak back upstairs and remove all evidence of the gnomes he found."

Tim huffed out a breath of amused laughter. "I'll go. Let me know if he starts heading back to his room."

Jason nodded and turned his attention back towards the kitchen. "You know, I think I could get used to this partnership."

Tim merely shook his head as he quickly made his way back up the stairs, but Jason still heard the whispered, "Whatever you say, Hood." Jason smiled to himself. Yeah, he could certainly get used to this.

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Damian gave up on his search for a viable weapon from the kitchen after he opened the seventh drawer to find another one of those dastardly things inside. He decided to return to his room, and deal with the ones in there by tossing them out the window. It wouldn't be as satisfying as watching them burn, but it would have to do. He stormed back up the steps, ignoring the sound of Drake and Todd moving around. He wasn't sure what those two idiots were doing, but he had more important matters to attend to.

He entered his room, intent on heading straight for the window, but before he took more than two steps over the threshold, Damian noticed a distinct lack of gnomes. Everything was exactly how he had left it. The bottom drawer of his dresser was still hanging open and his covers were still thrown about, but there were no signs that there had been any gnomes in his bed. There weren't even any inditations on his sheets from the little garden decorations, and the remains of the one that he had shattered against his wall were nowhere to be found. Damian had even rummaged through the wastepaper basket by his desk for the remains, but all that was in there were a few things he had personally discarded.

He had to find a way to stop them, but how? What kind of magic was this? Did gnomes even use magic? He thought about contacting Zatanna, but that would most likely upset his father. Besides, Damian figured he could handle this without the help of others. After all, he was the son of Batman. Surely, he could subdue such repugnant creatures. He just needed to figure out where the gnomes were originating from. He didn't know how to accomplish that goal, but Damian had no doubt that he would. He was a Wayne and an al Ghul, and no gnome was going to get the better of him.

The End


	3. Chapter 3

It had started as a simple offhand comment. Dick had seen a garden gnome in a store front window and had casually asked if Damian thought it would be a cute addition to Alfred's garden. After all, David looked lonely. Dick hadn't expected Damian's mild at least, mild by Damian's standards fit of outrage, and...well, once he had gotten that reaction, Dick just couldn't help it. He had to point out every single gnome they came across, be it while they were on patrol or out in civilian garb. Thinking back on it, Dick probably should have seen it as more than just Damian being Damian, especially once Jason started joining in on pointing out the gnomes.

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The gnomes were infesting Gotham. It was only a matter of time before they infiltrated the entire world. He had to stop them. Grayson and the others all thought it was one big joke, but Damian could tell that there was something nefarious going on, and he was going to put an end to it. He searched the manor, top to bottom. He knew that his father abhorred guns, but that Pennyworth kept one anyway. However, when he found the ancient looking shotgun, Damian decided it might be best to acquire his weapon of choice somewhere else.

The thing looked as though it was more likely to explode than actually injure his target, and Damian didn't feel like taking any chances. He only had one shot at this. Damian grimaced at the unintentional pun. Clearly, he had been spending too much time with Grayson, and he would have to rectify that-after he took care of his current problem. He was 'too young' to buy a gun, which was stupid. He was completely proficient in all firearms. He could think of only one other place to get what he needed to stop the gnomes and sleep well. It wasn't his favorite plan of all time, but he was willing to do whatever he had to do in order to finally end this.

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Jason was in the middle of cleaning his guns when there was suddenly a sword being pointed at his throat. He wasn't really sure how the brat had gotten in here without setting off a half dozen alarms, but to say he wasn't happy about it was an understatement. Although, Jason guessed he should have been paying more attention to his surroundings instead of singing Eye of the Tiger at the top of his lungs while reassembling one of the aforementioned weapons. "What do you want, demon breath?"

Damian moved his sword a little closer towards Jason's jugular. "Surrender your weapons to me, zombie, or I will take them by force."

Jason glared at the kid in front of him. Of all the things that he was expecting Damian to say, that was not it. "You sure as hell don't know how to ask nicely."

Damian practically growled at him as he dug the tip of his sword into Jason's flesh. "I will not repeat myself, corpse."

"What the fuck? Did you get gassed by someone?" Jason leaned back away from the blade, but Damian followed the motion. "Where did you leave golden boy? Isn't he supposed to be watching you?"

Damian glowered at the man in front of him, and Jason was suddenly reminded of a wet cat. "I do not need to be watched. Now, I require your guns and all of the ammo that you have."

Jason scoffed at the request. He had no idea what Damian wanted his guns for, but he could only assume it wasn't for anything good. "You've got to be kidding me. It's not going to happen, short stack. Now, remove the damn sword from my neck, sit down, and I'm sure your nanny will be here soon enough."

Damian dug the sword into Jason's skin a little deeper, drawing blood. "I told you I don't need a nanny." Without any further warning Damian pulled something from his belt. Before Jason could get away, Damian threw a handful of pellets to the ground, and instantly the room began filling with knock-out gas. Jason knew that Damian had put his rebreather on almost immediately after throwing the pellets. He tried to fight the effects of the gas, and stop Damian from taking his weapons, but he couldn't.

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Damian gathered everything that he needed, and then made a hasty retreat out of one of the windows. Hopefully, no one would discover Todd's body until after he had managed to complete his mission. The first one was easy to spot. He had been forced to look at that ugly thing every time he was anywhere near Todd's residence. The man had an unnatural obsession with pointing the little creatures out. It must have been tracking them all from the little old lady's front porch. Its grotesque smile smirked at him, even as it shattered into pieces. He took a moment to make sure that the thing wasn't going to somehow reassemble, and then he made his way across town. He had a lot more to do and a short amount of time to do it.

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Jason awoke with a headache the size of Texas. It took him a moment to remember what had happened, and, when he did, his anger flared in a way that it hadn't done in months. He grabbed what was left of his arsenal, and made his way out the window. He knew that he needed to find Damian before the little demon did something they'd all regret. Jason made his way through the neighborhood, searching for any sign of the brat. He stopped at Mrs. Jones when he noticed that her lawn gnome, dubbed Henry by Dick, was in about a thousand pieces. He had a feeling that he knew where Damian was heading next, but Jason also knew he was going to need some help.

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Dick was dumbfounded when he got Jason's call. He hadn't honestly thought that the thing that would break Damian's nonlethal streak was going to be garden gnomes. He guessed that he had misjudged the boy's dislike for the little figurines a little. As Dick suited up and headed out, he made a mental note to replace Henry, and any of the others that might have fallen victim to Damian's tirade.

Dick made his way to the park, first. He headed straight to the little fountain where Ives was supposed to be all tangled up in poison ivy. What he found, however, was the broken remains of the little gnome. Dick frowned as he added another name to his list of Damian's victims, and then continued on his way to the cemetery.

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Jason made his way to Mrs. Druster's trinkets shop. He took stock of the wrecked plate-glass window, and the spots on two separate shelves where once Jeffery and George had stood. Dick was not going to be happy about the destruction of these two. He had planned to buy them, because he thought David looked lonely. Jason shook his head as he made his way to the only other place that he knew there was a gnome in Gotham city. It was a high rise garden six blocks away, and Jason wasn't the least bit surprised to find Darren in pieces, as well.

Jason sighed as he contacted Dick again. "Sorry, buddy, but he got Jeffery, George, and Darren. How did Ives and Jasper fair?"

Dick sounded as though he was genuinely grieving. "Ives didn't make it, and Damian shot Jasper in the face. He ruined Mrs. Kappel's gravestone."

Jason rolled his eyes at the new information, and then a thought occurred to him. "You don't think that he'll go after David, do you?"

Dick inhaled sharply at the thought. "No, not David! We have to stop him!"

Jason had to admit that he agreed with Dick, although, for much different reasons. He knew that if they didn't stop Damian from destroying David the gnome, then Alfred's heart would be broken, and no one in their right mind wanted to see that. "I'll meet you back at home base, then."

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Damian had done it. He had finally done it, and now only one remained. He crept into Alfred's garden, constantly glancing over his shoulder. This would be the most satisfying moment in all of his ten years. Even usurping Robin from Drake was not as sweet as this particular moment. He made his way closer to the unsuspecting gnome. Alfred had done him a favor by placing the annoying little creature on the cement stand. Not only was the stupid gnome in plain view, but it also had no chance of escape now that its feet were cemented to the base. Damian raised one of Jason's guns, aimed at its head, and fired. The tiny figurine exploded with a crash, and Damian grinned victoriously. It was over. It was finally truly over.

Damian was so happy, he could laugh-or possibly cry. He wasn't exactly certain which, but he had finally won. He felt a great weight lifted from his shoulders, and, after a moment of just staring at the place where the abhorrent little creature once stood, Damian was fairly certain that he was laughing. Suddenly there were tears blurring his vision, and he blinked them away, so that he could take in the view of his victory. He practically jumped for joy at the sight of the last gnome splintered into innumerable pieces its remains scattered around the garden.

He heard someone approaching from behind him, but Damian didn't care. He had accomplished his mission. The gnomes were finally all dead, and he could finally have some decent rest. The person had drawn nearer, and quickly grabbed the gun out of Damian's hand. It was of no concern to him. After all, he didn't need it any more. The next thing he knew there was a sharp pain blooming in the back of his head, and everything went dark. Still, it didn't matter, because he had won in the end.

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Tim rushed outside when he heard the sound of a gunshot. It had sounded as though it had originated in Alfred's garden, which made absolutely no sense. Why would anyone want to shoot anything in the garden? Tim didn't waste time postulating, however, he simply made his way as silently as possible outside. When he got to the edge of the garden, what he found shocked him. There, standing in the middle of Alfred's rose bush, was Damian holding a gun, aimed at the place where once Alfred's prized lawn ornament from Dr. Lesile Thompkins had once been. Tim didn't know what to think. Clearly, Damian had lost his damn mind.

Tim approached him as slowly and as quietly as he could manage. Damian wasn't moving. He was just laughing hysterically at what he had done. Tim had always expected Damian to have a psychotic break one day, but not like this. He grabbed the gun out of the kid's hand, and promptly pistol whipped him with it. He didn't know what else to do, and, as he watched Damian's limp form hit the ground, a smile was still plastered onto his face. Tim considered calling the others.

Fortunately, however, he didn't have to, because before he could even decide on what to do with Damian, Dick and Jason were standing behind him. Jason's expression immediately turned to one of dread when saw what Damian had done. Dick's, on the other hand, had turned to one of absolute sorrow. He stared blankly at the place where David had once stood. "David, no, how could he? David, I'm so sorry."

Tim glanced over at Jason, who was gathering his weapons off of Damian, before returning his attention to Dick. "It's okay, Dick. We'll find a replacement for David. You'll see. It'll all be fine."

Dick instantly gathered Tim into a hug, and buried his face in the younger man's neck. "We can't just replace David, Tim."

Tim rolled his eyes as he patted Dick's back. "Fine, we'll find a David II. That would be okay, right, Dick?"

Dick nodded; face still pressed into Tim's neck. "Yeah, okay."

Tim heaved a large sigh as he watched Jason walk away, leaving Damian lying on the dirty ground. He wasn't really sure how he was expected to get both an unconscious Damian and a distraught Dick into the manor, but he'd find a way. After all, he wasn't Red Robin for nothing.

The End


	4. Chapter 4

Damian huffed to himself as he waited for the others to get back with Zatanna. Apparently, there was a certain magic user running around Gotham who had taken offense to what the others had dubbed as 'Damian's episode'. The others were being fools. After all, he was merely putting an end to an increasingly infuriating problem. He still didn't appreciate the way that the new gnome - which Grayson had named David II - was staring at him, and if he wasn't currently trapped in the body of an identical garden decoration, Damian would definitely have taken a batarang to the irritating smile on the other lawn ornament's face.

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Dick wasn't exactly sure how to explain Damian's current predicament to Zatanna. After all, it wasn't every day that a magic user turned a boy into a garden gnome as punishment for attacking other lawn decorations…even in Gotham. Hell, he wasn't even sure how to explain Damian's episode. He just hoped that David II was keeping the boy company while the rest of them tried to figure out how to turn him back.

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Tim hadn't planned on any wayward magic when he had started messing with Damian, but after returning from replacing all of the gnomes Damian had ruined, it was hard for him not to laugh at the kid's recent quandary. After all, only Damian ever seemed to have these kinds of problems. Tim did have to admit that he enjoyed the silence. It was definitely a nice change of pace, and it was nice not having to deal with Damian's constant derogatory comments. Tim was half tempted to suggest that they leave Damian in his current state, but he also didn't look forward to explaining that to Bruce, so here he was, and with any luck Bruce would never find out that his youngest son was transfigured into a pointy hat-wearing lawn embellishment.

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Jason was only here because Alfred requested that he go with the other two, and no one…not even the Bat himself refuses Alfred. That said, watching the kid suddenly transform into a two foot high gnome was definitely the highlight of his day. However, that didn't make up for having to deal with Dickie-bird's friends, especially when Zatanna kept trying to imply that this was somehow his fault just because the demon spawn had stolen his guns. He did his job. He told the kid no. What else did this woman want from him?

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When they returned to the garden, Damian was right where they had left him, not that Dick had expected any less. Alfred was still upset with the boy over his treatment of David I, and as such was allowing Damian some quality time out in the garden with David II. Of course, Alfred claimed that the boy could use some sun, but Dick could tell it was Alfred's own brand of punishment. Dick's thoughts were interrupted the moment that he heard Zatanna laughing, and he turned to see her covering her mouth while staring directly at Damian. "Why are you laughing? We told you about his current state."

Zatanna tried to compose herself, but kept snickering every few seconds. "No, Dick, you told me he had been changed into a garden gnome. However, you neglected to mention his over exaggerated scowl or the fact that his little arms are crossed in the most petulant way I've ever seen. Not to mention, those adorably red cheeks that go quite well with his darker skin tone."

Dick huffed out a breath, and ignored the way that Zatanna was practically fawning over his little brother. "It's okay, little D. I brought someone to keep you company while Zatanna figures this out." Dick leaned down and placed a ceramic gorilla holding a welcome sign next to David II. "This is Gregory. Isn't he adorable?"

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Damian would have leapt up and smashed that stupid looking gorilla right into the magician's face, if he was able to move. However, as it stood, all Damian could do was glare at the two of them, but mostly just the gorilla, given that he couldn't move his head at all. His only hope was that the newly christened Gregory would fall over or one of the other buffoons would knock it off of its pedestal. Damian wished he could inform the others of how put upon he was. The obnoxious laughter from the woman and Grayson's crooning over the new garden ornament was grating on his nerves. Their behavior was preposterous and certainly wasn't aiding the attempt to return him to normal in the least. He swore that when he was no longing in this state, the first thing that he was going to do was break Gregory into a thousand pieces as vengeance.

XYZXYZ

Tim wasn't sure if he was seeing things or not, but he could swear that Damian looked like he was staring daggers at the new addition to the garden. He honestly wasn't sure if Damian had a grudge against all garden embellishments or if it was just the ones that Dick named, but he vowed to keep the new gnomes and gorilla safe from Damian's wrath. After all, he really didn't feel like spending another hour trying to sooth Dick before convincing him that it really was okay to simply replace David and the others.

XYZXYZ

Jason grew bored with Zatanna's chortling at Damian and Dick's cooing at Gregory the gorilla pretty easily, and decided to head inside. He figured now was as good as time as any to track down some of Alfred's cookies. He could have sworn he smelled them baking when he walked through the Manor earlier. He was just reaching into the cookie jar when he heard a distinctive throat clearing behind him. "You always manage to catch me with my hand in the cookie jar, don't you, Alf?"

Jason turned to see Alfred standing as prim and proper as always in the doorway of the kitchen. "It certainly seems that way, Master Jason. I'm sure you'll be happy to know that those are your favorite. Assuming you still prefer oatmeal peanut butter cookies."

Jason smiles in a way that he hasn't in years. "You know I do."

"I assume your errand with the others has proven successful."

Jason shrugs. "Well, we brought Zatanna back, but I don't know how it's going on the whole returning Damian to a real boy front."

Alfred nods once. "Very well, sir. I believe the den needs my attention. Might I suggest only partaking of a few of those while I'm gone? You wouldn't want to ruin your appetite."

Jason sighs as he snags two cookies from the jar. He was hoping to just grab them and go, but clearly Alfred expects him for dinner, and again, no one defies Alfred. Oh, well, he was sure attempting to return Damian would be entertaining at least. Besides, he saw the way the boy glared at that ceramic gorilla. Surely, he could have some fun before Bruce returned.

XYZXYZ

Tim didn't know why Jason insisted that Damian needed another gorilla to keep him company, but they've been getting along quite well recently, so he went along with it, and if that happened to concern Dick so be it. It wasn't as though there was anything the two of them could do back at the Manor anyway. Zatanna said she would need some time to figure out how to change Damian back, which left Tim and Jason with an almost unlimited amount of time to…do whatever it was that Jason had planned.

"So, what exactly are we doing here, Jason?" Tim nudged him as they made their way through the mall.

Jason smirked evilly. "I was here a couple of days ago and saw something that would go great with Gregory."

Tim was about to ask what when Jason suddenly stopped dead, and grabbed Tim's sleeve, before dragging him in the other direction. He was just about to ask what the hell that was all about when Jason picked up a bright mauve colored gorilla statue. Tim grinned to himself as an even better thought crossed his mind. Yes, this could end up being quite fun. "You know, there's a Build-A-Bear Workshop around here. I bet we could find Damian a matching sweater. After all, it might get cold out in the garden."

Jason's smirk only grew even more mischievous. "I knew there was a reason I brought you, replacement."

XYZXYZ

Dick didn't understand why it was taking Zatanna so long to change Damian back. She said it was a simple spell, but apparently there was something about Damian's emotional state that was making it difficult to return him to normal. Dick had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but he figured he could keep his little brother company. At least, until he had to go out on patrol. He was in the middle of telling Damian all about where he had gotten Gregory when Jason and Tim can stumbling into the garden with both of their arms full of bags from various places, and Dick was sure that he saw more than a few from the Build-A-Bear Workshop. "What do you two have there?"

Tim glanced at Jason before they both burst out into laughter, and Dick was torn between being happy his younger brothers were getting along and being concerned. Tim nudged Jason. "Go on, show him."

Jason shrugged off the young boy and beamed at Dick with a nocuous smile, before pulling something out of one of the bags and holding it up for Dick to inspect. "We thought you could name her."

Jason passed Dick the magenta colored gorilla, and Dick practically started jumping up and down. "Oh, you got Gregory a girlfriend. You two should name her. You found her."

Tim and Jason merely laughed before shaking their heads. "Nu-uh, naming is your thing, Dickie-bird. Besides, we've got far more entertaining things to do." Jason's gaze pointedly fell on Damian, and Dick was nearly certain that he should be worried now.

"Why? What do you mean?"

Tim's grin was so wide, and it struck Dick as odd that he hadn't seen the boy this happy in quite some time. "Don't worry, there won't be any physical harm…at least, I don't think."

Dick watched from his seat on the ground as the two of them started rummaging through the various bags. After a long moment, Jason let out a whoop of success before pulling out a tiny version of the original Robin suit. "Found it!"

Dick glanced between the two of them before turning his attention back to Damian. "You guys are awesome."

Jason laughed manically. "Oh, there's more…trust me, there's more."

XYZXYZ

Damian swore that if he was in his own body, he would bite off their fingers. It was bad enough that he had to listen to Grayson drone on for hours about nothing…chattering about that incessant gorilla, but now he had to suffer through the three of them dressing him up and taking pictures, all while he was forced to stare at the most repulsive looking gorilla statue he had ever had the misfortune of lying eyes on.

Damian sneered as much as he could as they continued to change him into and out of different outfits. The original Robin costume was its own special kind of torture, but the thing that really infuriated him was the bubblegum pink cheerleading outfit they had wrenched him into. Now he was dressed in a tiny facsimile of the original Batgirl suit, which only furthered his sore mood. One thing was for sure, though, this indignation would not go unpunished.

XYZXYZ

Bruce arrived home from a long day of board meetings to an utterly silent house, which was beyond worrisome. He knew that Jason had been spending more and more time here lately, and as such the house was rarely quiet. He passed through the empty den to the kitchen where Alfred was chopping vegetables. "Where are they?" Bruce almost didn't want to know, but they're his children, and therefore his responsibility.

Alfred didn't pause in his work. "I believe the boys are still in the garden."

It was then that Bruce realized there was quite a bit of laughter coming from outside. It was a foreign sound, which made him wonder what they had gotten themselves into this time. When he walked outside, Bruce was genuinely confused to see two gnomes, one dressed in a mini purple ninja costume, and two gorilla statues. Dick, Tim, and Jason were surrounding the gnome dressed as a ninja and all of them were doubled over with their laughter. "Where's Damian?"

All three of them abruptly stopped chuckling and turned to face Bruce. He wasn't sure why Dick and Tim looked so startled by his appearance, but Jason's trademark smirk was in place as he pointed a thumb in the direction of the ninja clad gnome. "You're looking at him." Jason broke out into more uncontrollable giggles, clutching his stomach, as he folded in on himself once again. "Ha, you should see your face, B-man."

Bruce ignored him in favor of glaring down Dick, who could never lie to him. "Is this true?"

Dick rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Um, yeah."

Bruce clenched his eyes shut for a second before grinding out, "Explain."

Dick glanced at Tim, whose head was bowed, and Jason, who was still laughing at them. "Well…um…you know…magic."

Bruce ground his teeth together. "Dick, why is my son a garden gnome?" It was a sentence Bruce never thought he would ever utter…not even in Gotham.

Before Dick could stammer out an explanation, Jason abruptly stood. "Because he's not old enough to be a gargoyle."

Everyone was silent for exactly one minute before Tim, Dick, and Jason all burst out into laughter once again. Bruce rolled his eyes before turning on his heel to go back inside. He did have to admit, however, that his assassin raised son made a convincing garden gnome-minus the scowl, of course. Nevertheless, Bruce was also starting to reconsider leaving all of his sons home when he went on week long business trips to Japan.

The End


End file.
